Confessions Of An Undercover Cigarette Smoker

Thursday, April 19, 2012

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I started smoking at age 14...  
It didn't turn into a full blown habit until the age of 15 when my parents separated.  I pretty much got away with murder at that point.
Yes, I was a Bad Ass... or so I thought.
I had older friends so it was no problem getting a hold of cigarettes.
I started working in a pool hall at age 18 and was up to a pack a day (along with other things but that's a whole other topic for another time!)

Years went by... life happened and then I met my husband.  I could tell he wasn't a smoker... unless you got him drunk!  But I kept doing my smoking thing.

I got pregnant.
I kept smoking.  I cut down a TON but didn't fully quit until the last couple of months before Briana was born.  
Steve wanted me to quit, I didn't listen.  After three months of maternity leave I went back to work and started up my habit again.
Just for those that don't know, I work three days a week Friday through Sunday and I'm off four days a week to be home with my babe and help out with our family business.  I've never smoked around my child.  I would always wait until I got to work.  I've been at my job for almost seven years and it's been seven years of the same routine.  When I get stressed or mad or upset... or just needing a break.  Also, going out drinking is my downfall.  Drinking makes me want to chain smoke like a mother f*@%$^ !  I haven't intentionally smoked in front of my husband............ unless I was wasted.  Let me say, that was never good!  It would totally piss him off and he just had to make himself get over it.

I've been a hidden closet smoker for almost three years now.  So all in all, I'm just as bad as a parent that smokes full time around their kids.  I definitely don't deserve a Mommy of the Year Award!  I've never judged them (and don't plan to) and never thought I was any better.. just to clear that up!

I was even wondering if it was a bad idea or not to do a blog post.  Steve's family does not know that I smoke (well some of them anyway.)  At this point, I could care less since I'm trying to better myself.

I have obviously been good at making excuses my whole life about not quitting.  I promised my *baby daddy* that when we got married on March 31st I would quit.  OOPS!  I lied again.  I waited until Friday, April 13th.  That morning as I was on the way to work I thought to myself, "I have no cigarettes on me.  Let's try this out."
I felt it would be smart to tell my boss, managers and the rest of the staff that way they could keep tabs on me.  I'm glad I did because they were happy for me and gave me positive encouragement.

The process on that first day was literally. Painful.
I paced back and forth.
I was angry.
I even teared up a few times.
I fought with myself, telling myself that I could start the next weekend when I got back to work.
I debated on going to 711 to buy a pack.
I snapped at people... I even punched the bathroom door!

And then the day was over and I went home to my family.
I was so proud of myself!

The next day I still had reservations on quitting.   BUT, it was easier then the day before.
I didn't debate with myself on going to buy a pack of smokes.

On Sunday (the third day) it was even a little bit easier.

I have to admit, I'm nervous about going to work tomorrow.
But I have to remember how that first day felt... I don't want to go through that ever EVER again.  
Nicotine has been my BFF for twelve years.
I've officially broken up with it!  I knew it wouldn't go down without a fight.
But I'm ready to stop living a double life and become a more healthier person.  This is the first step to making myself a better Woman.  A better Mommy.  A better Wifey.  It can only get better from here... Right?

Maybe this year I can start workin' on that Mommy of the Year Award.
I think I could be a great candidate now.


Graceful, parenting & humor said...

Good for you!! I quit 2 1/2 years ago...and honestly I don't miss it that much anymore. I swore I'd never be one of those judgmental former smokers...but I was WRONG!!! I hate it!! I can't stand to be around it anymore. Oh well...I may be a bitch for it, but at least I'm healthier..right?

Jenn said...

Hi Stephy! Thanks for stopping by my blog! It's nice to meet you! This is SUCH a brave post. I was holding my breath as I read it, because I can only imagine how difficult it was for you to put all of this out there where anyone can read it. But I hope it was somewhat liberating, too. I'm going to tell you a little of my story, because it may be encouraging for you. (I don't talk about this on my blog, BTW. Most of my followers have no idea.)

I have a chronic health condition that has caused me to have to be on pain meds for the past 11 years. I've tried every possible alternative therapy, and I got so depressed when I realized I don't have a choice--I have to take pills to function.

When I wanted to have kids, it was a very deliberate and planned out choice. The meds would wreak havoc on a developing baby, and I had to quit all of them. Going through withdrawal was the most miserable experience of my I can empathize with what you're going through. My withdrawal lasted for 3 months, because I had to go off about 8 different meds. And then I was pretty much useless during both pregnancies--I spent most of the time in bed.

After having my son I went back on the meds so I could take care of him, and then I had to go through the entire process all over again with my daughter.

Anyway, I know how much determination it took me to stop taking those pills. Only the fact that I wanted children more than anything else in the world kept me going. (And knowing that at some point things would get better).

Quitting any addicting substance is harder than most people realize, I think. It takes incredible strength and determination to overcome. I wish you ALL THE BEST in quitting smoking, and I say...GOOD FOR YOU!!! Just remember to cut yourself some slack and don't beat yourself up too much when you find yourself wanting a cigarette. Give yourself credit for even the smallest of victories, and be gentle with yourself if you have a slip.

You are stronger than you realize! I think we all are. So anyway, now that I'm done writing what's probably the longest comment in history (this could have been a post in I'll let you know that this week's hop is up and running now, so come on over and link up!

Thanks so much for following and for the nice comment. I'm following you on both GFC and Linky followers, and I look forward to reading more! Have a great weekend!

Smiles, Jenn @Misadventures in Motherhood

Jennifer McLean said...

well good on you, it's sooo hard to stop, I've watched my mom struggle. But from the section of the peanut gallery who have asthma and can't tolerate any smoke we thank you for quitting. One more healthy person.
I'm following you now.
Jenn at

Justine said...

Stopping by from the Weekend Show Off Party!

Becky Jane said...

You are awesome! Sending my blessings and encouragement your way!

Stephy Marie said...

Thanks Becky! I very much appreciate that :)

Stephy Marie said...

Thanks Jenn, I am now a follower of yours as well :)

Stephy Marie said...

HAHA that's funny how your views have changed. Thank you for the encouraging words. It's now more of an annoyance then anything else b/c I was so used to the routine. What do I do with that extra time now??
Hah, I'll figure it out eventually.

Kelley Wilson said...

So been there, and you may fall off the wagon but just get back up again. I do miss it at times but the antsy urge is no longer there. Smoking becomes a part of you and your routine it is calming and when you smoke at work it is chat time with your fellow smokers and that makes it even worse. I hope for you the best, I will say the nicorete gum did help me when I was feeling "nuts"
Thanks for your honesty and for linking up to the blog hop I hope you will be back tomorrow for I freakin did it Friday

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Jade Graham said...

I'm just as bad as a parent that smokes full time around their kids. Air Purifier for Smoke

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