I started smoking at age 14...
It didn't turn into a full blown habit until the age of 15 when my parents separated. I pretty much got away with murder at that point.
Yes, I was a Bad Ass... or so I thought.
I had older friends so it was no problem getting a hold of cigarettes.
I started working in a pool hall at age 18 and was up to a pack a day (along with other things but that's a whole other topic for another time!)
Years went by... life happened and then I met my husband. I could tell he wasn't a smoker... unless you got him drunk! But I kept doing my smoking thing.
I got pregnant.
I kept smoking. I cut down a TON but didn't fully quit until the last couple of months before Briana was born.
Steve wanted me to quit, I didn't listen. After three months of maternity leave I went back to work and started up my habit again.
Just for those that don't know, I work three days a week Friday through Sunday and I'm off four days a week to be home with my babe and help out with our family business. I've never smoked around my child. I would always wait until I got to work. I've been at my job for almost seven years and it's been seven years of the same routine. When I get stressed or mad or upset... or just needing a break. Also, going out drinking is my downfall. Drinking makes me want to chain smoke like a mother f*@%$^ ! I haven't intentionally smoked in front of my husband............ unless I was wasted. Let me say, that was never good! It would totally piss him off and he just had to make himself get over it.
I've been a hidden closet smoker for almost three years now. So all in all, I'm just as bad as a parent that smokes full time around their kids. I definitely don't deserve a Mommy of the Year Award! I've never judged them (and don't plan to) and never thought I was any better.. just to clear that up!
I was even wondering if it was a bad idea or not to do a blog post. Steve's family does not know that I smoke (well some of them anyway.) At this point, I could care less since I'm trying to better myself.
I have obviously been good at making excuses my whole life about not quitting. I promised my *baby daddy* that when we got married on March 31st I would quit. OOPS! I lied again. I waited until Friday, April 13th. That morning as I was on the way to work I thought to myself, "I have no cigarettes on me. Let's try this out."
I felt it would be smart to tell my boss, managers and the rest of the staff that way they could keep tabs on me. I'm glad I did because they were happy for me and gave me positive encouragement.
The process on that first day was literally. Painful.
I paced back and forth.
I was angry.
I even teared up a few times.
I fought with myself, telling myself that I could start the next weekend when I got back to work.
I debated on going to 711 to buy a pack.
I snapped at people... I even punched the bathroom door!
And then the day was over and I went home to my family.
I was so proud of myself!
The next day I still had reservations on quitting. BUT, it was easier then the day before.
I didn't debate with myself on going to buy a pack of smokes.
On Sunday (the third day) it was even a little bit easier.
I have to admit, I'm nervous about going to work tomorrow.
But I have to remember how that first day felt... I don't want to go through that ever EVER again.
Nicotine has been my BFF for twelve years.
I've officially broken up with it! I knew it wouldn't go down without a fight.
But I'm ready to stop living a double life and become a more healthier person. This is the first step to making myself a better Woman. A better Mommy. A better Wifey. It can only get better from here... Right?
Maybe this year I can start workin' on that Mommy of the Year Award.
I think I could be a great candidate now.