Confessions Of An Undercover Cigarette Smoker

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I started smoking at age 14...  

It didn't turn into a full blown habit until the age of 15 when my parents separated.  I pretty much got away with murder at that point.

Yes, I was a Bad Ass... or so I thought.

I had older friends so it was no problem getting a hold of cigarettes.

I started working in a pool hall at age 18 and was up to a pack a day (along with other things but that's a whole other topic for another time!)

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Years went by... life happened and then I met my husband.  I could tell he wasn't a smoker... unless you got him drunk!  But I kept doing my smoking thing.

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I got pregnant.

I kept smoking.  I cut down a TON but didn't fully quit until the last couple of months before Briana was born.  

Steve wanted me to quit, I didn't listen.  After three months of maternity leave I went back to work and started up my habit again.

Just for those that don't know, I work three days a week Friday through Sunday and I'm off four days a week to be home with my babe and help out with our family business.  I've never smoked around my child.  I would always wait until I got to work.  I've been at my job for almost seven years and it's been seven years of the same routine.  When I get stressed or mad or upset... or just needing a break.  Also, going out drinking is my downfall.  Drinking makes me want to chain smoke like a mother f*@%$^ !  I haven't intentionally smoked in front of my husband............ unless I was wasted.  Let me say, that was never good!  It would totally piss him off and he just had to make himself get over it.

I've been a hidden closet smoker for almost three years now.  So all in all, I'm just as bad as a parent that smokes full time around their kids.  I definitely don't deserve a Mommy of the Year Award!  I've never judged them (and don't plan to) and never thought I was any better.. just to clear that up!

I was even wondering if it was a bad idea or not to do a blog post.  Steve's family does not know that I smoke (well some of them anyway.)  At this point, I could care less since I'm trying to better myself.

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I have obviously been good at making excuses my whole life about not quitting.  I promised my *baby daddy* that when we got married on March 31st I would quit.  OOPS!  I lied again.  I waited until Friday, April 13th.  That morning as I was on the way to work I thought to myself, "I have no cigarettes on me.  Let's try this out."

I felt it would be smart to tell my boss, managers and the rest of the staff that way they could keep tabs on me.  I'm glad I did because they were happy for me and gave me positive encouragement.

The process on that first day was literally. Painful.

I paced back and forth.

I was angry.

I even teared up a few times.

I fought with myself, telling myself that I could start the next weekend when I got back to work.

I debated on going to 711 to buy a pack.

I snapped at people... I even punched the bathroom door!

And then the day was over and I went home to my family.

I was so proud of myself!

The next day I still had reservations on quitting.   BUT, it was easier then the day before.

I didn't debate with myself on going to buy a pack of smokes.

On Sunday (the third day) it was even a little bit easier.

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I have to admit, I'm nervous about going to work tomorrow.

But I have to remember how that first day felt... I don't want to go through that ever EVER again.  

Nicotine has been my BFF for twelve years.

I've officially broken up with it!  I knew it wouldn't go down without a fight.

But I'm ready to stop living a double life and become a more healthier person.  This is the first step to making myself a better Woman.  A better Mommy.  A better Wifey.  It can only get better from here... Right?

Maybe this year I can start workin' on that Mommy of the Year Award.

I think I could be a great candidate now.